Naming the Past While Living in the Present

​Some people have asked, or hinted about, how my wife, Carrie, is doing with all this fundraising and blog stuff.
 
When Carrie and I first met, I would say I was in a “neutral” place in life. I had come through the shock of grief and the dark days of confusion in not knowing who I was or what I wanted in life. Throughout the second year after Kim passed, I was beginning to find some stable ground in life, but that was about it. I was stable, neutral.
 
I was also incredibly lonely. As much as I am an introvert and enjoy my own company, I also, like everyone, desire companionship. It was nearing the two-year mark of Kim’s passing when I told a good friend of mine, Anthony, that I was interested in meeting some people of the opposite sex, developing new friendships, and just seeing where things went. Anthony knew a lot of people, and he knew me well. He was someone I trusted. As soon as these words left my mouth, he smiled, tapped the table we were sitting at, and said, I know the exact person for you to meet. From there, the rest is history. I got Carrie’s number and gave her a text, and then a call, and we set up a time to meet a week later. I’ll admit, I was not a strong believer in a future with her after our first date, but by the second, I knew I wanted to get to know her a lot more.
 
Our courtship was quick. We met in April 2023, were engaged in September, and married the first weekend in November. This is not a timeframe I would recommend to many, but both of us had done a lot of awareness work on ourselves over the previous years. Being in our 40’s, we knew who we were, what we wanted (and more importantly, what we didn’t want), and we quickly shared that with each other. Early on, we shared our “essentials” and “non-negotiables” in life. As I said, it was fast, but it was also intentional. And it was amazing.
 
Carrie brought life and joy back into my life. I said above that I was in a neutral state. I was going through the motions of life. There were things in life that made me happy: working on the farm, an evening out with a friend, but it was all “take it or leave it.” Carrie brought me something that had been lost for a long time. It is hard to put into words what that was, but she brought something akin to substance, depth, and beauty back into my life. I had done the repair work needed to stabilize the broken shell of a building I had become with Kim’s death, but Carrie helped me to rebuild- to take the boarded-up plywood and turn it into something beautiful and growing, something I did not think possible. She brought back the essentials of what it means to be a flourishing human: love, hope, and joy.
 
Carrie and I have been partners, a team, a union ever since. It was early on in our relationships, when we began talking about finances, I suppose, that I shared this vision of one day wanting to do “something big in memory of Kim; something having to do with a new scanner.” Over the past two years, Carrie would check in on how I was feeling about this, and I would push it off. It was this past December, as we were thinking about the coming year (2026), that she pushed a little more firmly and said that this should be the year we do this. It was not about getting it off our agenda, but she believed it would coincide well with it being five years since Kim passed. And she was right. Over the five months that we have been planning this, I have checked in often, and each time Carrie has been an enthusiastic partner in this initiative. It is really only because of her encouragement, her hard work, and her creativity in the background that this is happening at all.
 
Carrie understood from the beginning that yes, Kim will always be part of my life. We all carry our past around with us, and when you share your love with someone, and that person is ripped away, whether they be a parent, child, or spouse, that tear never goes back to perfect healing; there is always a scar. Carrie understands and has spoken about how my marriage to Kim has made me into the person I am today, and it is why she loves me, for who I am, and how I have been shaped by my past experiences. It is also why I love her so much, for who she is and how she has been shaped by her own life experiences.
 
I understand and seek to be sensitive to Carrie’s place in all of this. She is my wife, and I love and cherish her so much. Though I write all the blog posts, Carrie helps in editing them and speaks up if there is something she might not be comfortable with.
 
Yes, there are difficult moments for me in writing, when I get emotional over certain memories, and so we talk about it. But we always work through this hand-in-hand. Yes, it is awkward, but those are the perils of living in a broken world and opening ourselves up to love.
 
A couple of people have commented on how amazing Carrie is for taking this on, and they are right! She is amazing. She is strong, courageous, generous, and has so much love to give. I am truly grateful and honored to call her my wife. We are partners in all things that life throws at us and in all things we engage in. We both appreciate all the love and support, as well as concern, that people have shared with us. We will continue to walk through these next many months of fundraising together, a team, a couple, a union.